Becoming a Mom...

Looking back, my road to motherhood seems pre-destined. In fact, I've always kind of been a mom. For Kindergarten graduation, we provided a theatrical performance--I was Mother Goose. In highschool and in college, I always played the role of Mom---making sure that people followed the rules, turned in their work, and got home safe when we went out. Friends always stayed at my apartment on the weekends---and they never left with an empty stomach. To nurture is my single greatest impulse.

Despite this overwhelming urge to nurture, I didn't really see myself  becoming a mother. I love kids, babysat all the time, and always gravitated towards kids in a room. However, my life goals were all about having a career---children just didn't factor in. But in the fall of 2004, every trajectory of my life changed in an instant. At the urging of a friend, I went on a blind date with Josh. I had no idea that one simple decision would change my life so profoundly.



Josh is a good guy. He is kind, sweet, with tons of manners. He is the kind of guy that wants to take care of you, to treat you with respect, to let you be your own, independent self. While he isn't perfect, he is pretty amazing. From that very first meeting, I knew he was special. However, at 22, I was faced with a reality I wasn't sure I was interested in, regardless of Josh's endearing qualities. Josh was above everything else a Dad. Wow. I wasn't turned off by it but I wasn't sure how it fit into my goals---or how my parents would react. It was a lot to take in. But when every alarm should have been going off and leading me the other way, I didn't turn and run. That nurturing impulse kicked in.



Ian the 1st weekend I met him



After about 6 weeks of dinners and movies, Josh took me to meet Ian.  He had wispy blond hair. He seemed so fragile and he had the saddest blue eyes. When I walked in the room, he was crying. I sat on the floor and he immediately came and settled in my lap. To this day, I can still smell the baby--so innocent and sweet. I read him a story and rocked him to sleep--singing the same lullaby my Mom always sang to me. As I nuzzled my face into his sweet, chubby cheeks, there was a sharp explosion in my chest. At the time, I didn't know what it was but I knew it had just changed my life forever. It didn't matter that I was only 22 and clueless about the road ahead of me. It didn't matter that I wasn't even sure if I loved Josh yet. It didn't matter that all of my goals didn't include this path or these choices. The emotion I felt for this little boy that I barely knew was all that mattered and in my deepest heart, I knew that every path led me to that moment and to being his Mom.

This fall marks 7 years since that sharp explosion---I know now that the life altering ache in my heart was something only a mother can feel. It was an overwhelming feeling of love for my child---I felt it the first time I held Will and Maggie, too. In 7 years, that sad-eyed baby has grown into a smart, happy, and loving boy. He is a joy that fills my heart every single day. And even though we don't share the same biology, I hope he always knows that my love for him is just as pure and heart-stopping as it is for his brother and sister. I hope he knows that all of our "Broken Roads" led straight to the love we share today--that we were always meant to share this life together and that it was always God's plan for us to find our way to each other. I hope he knows that becoming his Mom meant following my heart and ignoring my head--something I always want him to do, too. I hope he knows the blessing he has always been to me and that I am so grateful that he sees me as the "best Mom (he) ever had!"

My favorite pic of me & Ian (age 3)

Tonight, he sat in my lap for a while with his long legs dangling out of the chair. I treasure these moments because they don't happen that often anymore. As I was enjoying my moment, I got a whiff of his hair and I felt that explosion in my chest all over again. I squeezed him tight and he looked over his shoulder and said, "Mom, I am glad God found a way for us to find each other. Even if it meant you having to put up with Daddy." Me too, Ian. Me too. Such a small price to pay!