I recently read an article (I can't properly cite it because I can't remember where I read it) that contained all sorts of survey results about what Moms really think but feel too guilty to say about their lives, desires, regrets, and children. It went through everything from having favorite children to wishing you had a different spouse (baby daddy) and what moms wanted more than anything. Of course, more than 70% of Moms wanted time for herself, without her kids or her partner around, to just relax. My first thought: They actually needed this as a survey question? Duh. My second thought: At least I'm not alone. There are days when I feel like running right past Josh as he is walking in the door in the evenings so I can get some fresh air and clear my head. And I don't feel guilty at all for admitting that.
That is why I signed Maggie up for Mom's Morning Out--I need a Freedom Thursday morning. Just a few hours to get caught up on laundry or cleaning, or email, or work, or ZTA. I want to volunteer at Ian's school without having to find a sitter, go to the dentist or to the grocery store without it feeling like an act of Congress (That is an exaggeration. My kids are far better mannered and faster-moving that Congress). Some Thursdays, I want to go for a walk, or read a book or just lay on the couch and clean out my DVR. Just the thought of that possibility makes me happy.
So today, I had a plan to grade papers, pay bills, and pack clothes for our weekend trip to Charleston. Not total freedom but at least I could do it without interruption. In the parking lot of preschool, Will informs me that he has to go to the bathroom. I respond, "No problem, Hun. We can go when we get inside." He looks at me very seriously and says, "Mom, I have to go to the real bathroom." Me, "Will you can go to the bathroom here to do that." He responds, "I so should have went before we left the house. You have to take me back home." Me, "Will, that isn't going to happen. You can go here. I will take you." Will, "Mom I can't do that here." Me, "Well that is your only choice." Will, "No it isn't. I will just squeeze my butt cheeks while I am here and do it when I get home." Now, part of me thought that if he really needed to go, he would do it at school. The other part of me knew that he really would squeeze his cheeks and wait until he got home. That of course, made me worry about him. He refused to go when we got inside so I left him with arms crossed in his classroom while I dropped off Maggie. She started clinging and whining. This is new. Perhaps she could sense my excitement about Freedom Thursday? I left her but I felt really bummed out (and a little guilty).
I knew that containing the chaos at home would make me feel better. But when I walk in, our Internet is down and so is our cable. Fantastic. I spend 45 minutes of my precious morning on the phone with technical support. When they finally resolve the issue, it will be a while before our stuff is back up and running. I wash dishes, fold clothes, load the washer and suddenly realize: You are here by yourself with no ability to work. Why are you working? That survey crossed my mind and I literally sprinted to the bathroom, turned on the water, stripped off my "Mommy Uniform" and sunk myself into a very hot bubble bath. In the middle of the morning. It was fabulous. I never get to take a bath or shower without someone either physically in the tub with me or talking to me. So I sang to my Pandora station, let my body relax and felt a little like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman (in the bath, not as a hooker).
Once I removed myself from that relaxing sanctuary, technology was back up and I continued on with the rest of my plan. When I drove back to the preschool, I felt a little more relaxed, the chaos of the last few weeks felt lighter on my shoulders. And I didn't feel guilty at all. I needed it and honestly, I feel like I deserved it. Life was back to normal as soon as I loaded the kids in car. Will informs me that I need to "drive as fast as possible to our house because [his] butt cheeks are about to explode!" Freedom surrendered...
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